I have a confession to make.
I’ve been to jail.
But not over something heinous and despicable that you would expect. I’m no criminal. I’d never hurt a soul unless it was in self or to somebody else’s defense. Save for tattoos on my knuckles and forearms; most people would consider me a decent dude.
But I have been to jail twice.
I’ll tell you the story about how I landed in jail the second time, and I’ll save the first one for another story over coffee or tea. The second time I got thrown in prison, was of all places, Norway.
I guess there are not enough tattooed Hispanic looking dudes running around the country selling drugs and stealing their women, that I for some reason, immediately caught their attention as soon as I tried to cross the border.
Whatever the case, as I was making my way towards the border I got flagged by this huge blonde Norwegian border patrol. I don’t know what this dude’s diet was, but he looked like somebody you didn’t want to mess with.
He approached my car and then lit a flashlight on my face.
The following conversation ensued.
Roided up Blonded Dude: “Where are you from?”
Cool Dude from California (me): “California.”
Roided up Blonded Dude: “Your license plate says it’s from France.”
Cool Dude from Cali: “Yes?”
Cool Dude from Cali: “Well, I picked it up from Paris, and now here I am.”
The Blonde dude changed his tone and became sterner.
Roided up Blonded Dude: “Are you carrying any drugs in this car?”
Cool Dude from Cali: “What? Whoa. No! I’m just here to take pictures, man…You know. PHOTOS.”
Roided up Blonded Dude: “If you are honest with me and let me know you have drugs right now it will be easier for you.”
Cool Dude from Cali(me): “Man…Seriously? I am not carrying drugs!”
He sighed with disappointment and then motioned me to park my car around the corner. He disappears into a nearby building and came out with a much shorter less imposing guy who looked like he had more medals than his tiny little frame can carry – likely it was the big dude’s commander or whatever they call them at state trooper level.
They proceeded to grill me about the drugs and then rummaged through my belongings inside my car and found no drugs. I reasoned that I didn’t come to Norway to go on a date with Mary Jane to reefer party at 4:20. I came to Norway to photograph the green landscape not to play with weed!
They would believe none of it. They went back inside the building and returned with two dogs.
It was then I realized the gravity of the situation.
They had me surrounded by a squadron of fucking drug-sniffing dogs who can probably maul me to death with their sharp fangs or infect me with rabies. The dogs started sniffing around the car when the big blonde dude told me to follow him into the building.
I followed him to a jail cell and then he locks me inside. To my surprise, the cell looked very cozy. I mean, that shit was spacious yo! Hell, it looked better than half the hostels I’ve stayed at during the trip! It had a reclining couch, a 60 inch flat-screen TV, and a tiny little fridge with drinks.
I thought to myself, well if they’re going to detain me here, I don’t fucking mind! I’ve been sleeping in the car for the last three days a little break in this comfy jail cell wouldn’t be that bad.
The big guy went outside to go to talk to his commander. While he was out, I made myself comfortable. I got me a cold one from the fridge and reclined myself on that couch and turned the TV on to watch a Norwegian soap opera.
About an hour later the big dude came back and uttered the most cringe-worthy sentence I have ever heard in my entire life…
“Take your clothes off.”
I spewed the beverage I was drinking out of my nostrils so hard it could have reached as far away as Timbuktu. I can’t even begin to express the kind of shit that went through my head with this big oaf of a dude standing there looking at me. If something goes down, I’m going down fighting.
I mustered the only question I could: “Say what?”
“I have to check to see if you’re hiding anything.” He said.
Feeling awkward and running out of options. I hesitantly took my clothes off and stripped naked in front of this guy. I don’t know what this guy’s up to, but I never had any homosexual desires running through my loins. Like ever.
Having grown up in a society where nakedness is viewed as taboo, you can imagine what I felt like in that situation.
And naked in front of another dude?
What could be worse?
Well, let me tell you.
See the picture of the pornstar Janine Lindemulder below?